


Thaw

by gblvr



Category: CSI: Las Vegas
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-26
Updated: 2009-06-26
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:20:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gblvr/pseuds/gblvr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sara figures it out, and learns to let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thaw

**Author's Note:**

> Posted for msktrnanny's 2006 Kissing Challenge

I've been trying to figure him out for years; just when I think I understand him, he does something new, and I'm confused all over again. It's like he knows that I've got that last piece in my hand, ready to lock it in place and step back so that I can see the big picture, and then he changes the shape of the hole, making the piece I hold useless.

For a long time, I tried to force the pieces, twisting them, pushing and hoping they'd magically lock into place if I was just persistent enough, but nearly drowning myself in the bottle forced me to take a long hard look at myself. It wasn't pretty. When I think of how I behaved! Weeks passed before I could even look Gil in the eye, and even now it’s hard for me to think about it.

When I told my counselor, she suggested that I stop chasing him. Maybe if I sat back and waited, he'd come to me. So I waited and watched, and for a while, I thought I had it, thought I knew what it would take to get him to finally look at me, and see _me_, thought I had the one piece he couldn't take away, and now? Now I have to admit I don't know him at all.

I've been in denial about Gil for a long time, and I'm good at telling myself that things aren't what they seem to be, so yeah, it only took me a day or two to realize that Gil was seeing someone. But I had to see them together to really get it, and even then it took me some time to get my head around it.

I think Gil forgot what everyone around him does for a living. It's not that he's indiscreet -- far from it. It's more that he's happy, like lit-up-from-the-inside-happy, and happiness like that doesn't lend itself to discretion. And to be honest, it's not like I tried to mind my own business.

 

It was my day off, but of course I was doing something work-related. The natural history museum had a special exhibit on -- what else? -- bugs, and I had tickets. I asked Gil, but he begged off, saying he had plans, before he ducked out the door.

I figured I'd go anyway; it never hurt to learn something about Gil's favorite subject, and I could tease him with what he missed. After catching a few hours sleep, I grabbed some breakfast and went to the museum. I'd walked through most of the exhibit and was sitting at the back of the tiny theater, waiting for a film about the life cycle of the scarab beetle to start, when they walked in.

Gil. And Greg. Gil's plans were with _Greg Sanders_? I didn't even realize they were friendly -- Greg always seems so nervous around Gil, and they don't seem to have anything in common other than work. Maybe this was Gil's way of trying to set Greg at ease? When I first started working for Gil in California, we went out for coffee a couple of times, and it seemed to help us -- we'd been a bit stilted with each other up 'til then, and after coffee, we just...clicked. Maybe this was the same kind of thing.

I raised my hand and opened my mouth to say hello, but something stopped me. Something in the way that Gil moved seemed off; his body language was different somehow. I watched for a few more minutes, not sure what I was seeing, until Gil pressed his hand against the small of Greg's back to guide him to a seat. Greg turned the direction that Gil indicated, seeming pliant and relaxed, even with Gil touching him. When they reached the seats that Gil had selected Greg smiled at Gil -- I recognized that smile! -- flirting a bit as he pulled him down to sit.

My first thought was that I was misunderstanding -- Greg flirted with everyone, up to and including Ecklie, so this wasn't any different. Except...it was Gil, the man that flustered him so badly at times he wasn't able to speak. They seemed so comfortable together; Greg slouched down with his head nearly touching Gil's shoulder, and the way he looked at him...I didn't know what to think as I watched them instead of the movie. They sat with their heads close together, whispering for most of the twenty minutes that it was dark.

During the credits, right before the lights came back up, Gil leaned over and kissed Greg, first on his forehead, then on each eye and finally on the mouth. It was soft and sweet and so tender, exactly how I always imagined Gil would be, and seeing it just about broke me.

I wasn't misunderstanding. It _was_ a date.

I waited until they'd left the theater, not wanting to see them together anymore, not wanting either of them to see me right then. I don't remember driving home, or what I did for the rest of my weekend off, but I do remember how I felt when I saw them coming through the doors a week later.

Watching them together that night, knowing what I knew, I admitted to myself that I'd thought Gil was just cold, and if he would just let me in -- let me love him -- that he'd thaw out. Seeing how happy he was made me realize that I was partly right -- he did thaw, and it's because he let someone in, but it's not me. I thought it would hurt more, but really? I 'd forgotten how beautiful Gil's smile is. Seeing it, even knowing that it's not for me, takes some of the hurt away....


End file.
